If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
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ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Every haunted house movie:
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes