I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
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It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?