My work here is done
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My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.