“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
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“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it