I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
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Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again