i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
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two people or more is called a problem
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.