Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
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They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.