me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
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If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
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I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer