Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
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My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Just a reminder, folks:
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me