Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
You Might Also Like
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!