My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
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[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
#MeanwhileinCanada
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I’m not proud
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow