Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
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I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
New Tinder profile.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today