Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
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I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep