Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
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The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.