What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
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[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
🤣😈🤣
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.