{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
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I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
yall want some gasoline milk
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that