You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
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Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Terribly Tuesday.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.