me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
You Might Also Like
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.