My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
You Might Also Like
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!