Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
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doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”