The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
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4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff