Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
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All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
There are usually two types of merchants.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.