If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
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Hank is one in a melon.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good