My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
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CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.