I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
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Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney