An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
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Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
No. He’s not coming out to play
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*