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Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Name another movie that mislead you?
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.