97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
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When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.