Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
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“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
yeet
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice