I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
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Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
the worm is coming from inside the brain
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Teach your children to beatbox
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.