When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
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please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
lost dog
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC