“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
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If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.