help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
You Might Also Like
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
😂🤣😂🤣
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
This makes total sense…
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.