[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
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Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Good boy 😂😂
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*