Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
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terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
No. He’s not coming out to play
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.