I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
You Might Also Like
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*