when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
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Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
got so much cardio in today
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
My birthstone is kidney
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”