signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
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Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
That earthquake could have been an email.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
WWE is French for “yes”
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow