I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
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A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now