friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
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Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Whisper out to librarians!
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death