me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
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I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Seems legit
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
termite twitter scares me
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more