my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
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Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Geez man, take it easy.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*