Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
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The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
In space, no one can hear…
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no