[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
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If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
This did not end as expected.