[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
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I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
the official breakfast of 2021
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.