at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
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You make me want to be a better home and garden.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.