Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
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When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
good work, everybody
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
I missed you with all my darts
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening