ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
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If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones