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Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
new wife guy just dropped
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
me and the Superbowl rn
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.