[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
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There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
They did not think through this water fountain
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.